A spiritual perspective on Depression

I hope you have enjoyed reading Adrian’s (our webmaster) blog last month about his experience with anxiety and depression. I admire his courage to share so that others might not feel so alone.  Because of my last panic attack that occurred some forty years ago, I am hoping by sharing my perspective it would provide you with some food for thought.

Having to live with the twins (named Anxiety and Depression) was no fun, I lived it 24/7 for a few years on and off but during tough times I was only able to get a small window of relief for several hours in the evenings and faced the same music the next day. The topic on genes is popular these days as to what genes would trigger on what reactions. Within my own experience, I was able to locate my three special “genes” that would bring forth my anxiety and depression if I activate them and take me along this single track to hell. 

My first A&D gene is called “Learned Helplessness”, I don’t recall anyone teaching me this special technique, I learnt it all by myself through my initial experience, seeing and interpreting what was happening with a pair of a six year old’s eyes. Allow me to share with you this original imprint, an outdated story but the insight was very useful to me.

I was about six and I was SO excited to be attending a little girl’s birthday party down the road, it was my first invite. However just a few hours before this much anticipated event, my mother announced that she would be sending my younger sister to represent all of us, reasons unclear but it probably had something to do with being more “classy” for not intruding like a herd of sheep munching up other’s cup cakes. To make matters worse, my mother wrapped up my unopened Christmas gift that was given to me by my Auntie and recycled it to this birthday girl.  

I felt a sense of overwhelming HOPELESSNESS and HELPLESSNESS for the first time. I felt like my whole bubble had just burst and that my feelings were not important, in fact I felt confused and even guilty for having them. I had no verbal skills to articulate and in truth my participation of any kind was not “required” even if the decision making involved parting with my cherished unopened Christmas gift. This was my first real taste of the “I can do nothing” helpless feeling and I soon learned to resign to others who are in a position to dictate what I can have or not and I applied the same helpless feeling indiscriminately to any self-perceived hopeless situation.  

I hid under the sofa that entire afternoon and the tragedy was that no one even noticed my absence - though we lived in a large household. That unspoken message that I must be so “unimportant” followed me around as I grew older but that initial spot of pain remained in place, waiting to match up with similar situations/people to trigger off the same feelings of helplessness. Now I watch myself like a hawk and I refuse to play this “find and match” game so I have been able to rush the twins out the door if “accidentally” they sneak in. Now they don’t come to visit anymore, think I have pissed them off for good! This skill is easier than you think, just apply self awareness.

My second special gene is called “Self Pity”, it is deliciously addictive though not attractive to look at. Nowadays I do not indulge in it and if it appears on my horizon, I just whisper “Sorry, you are a luxury I can no longer afford”. Fair enough, it knows of it’s lack of value and it leaves me alone.

My third gene has to do with “Unfairly Treated”, this powerful belief is a magnet for the twins. It is our own illusion to insist that this world works on a system of fairness, it never did and it never will, why? ...because our egos like seeing ourselves as being unfairly treated. I prefer to see my responsibility lies not trying to change the world or people but making sure I embrace fairness myself as a virtue and a recipe for my own happiness. 

Now we know that our external world reflects how our internal world looks like, so by wearing a sign telling the world that I am “depressed”, I would undoubtedly begin to attract people of the same kind. We would hold rehearsals singing the same sad song, in short we would encourage each other to move our wounded past into our present so to CONTINUE creating more or less along the same lines. So what had started initially as a little depressed thought is now bringing forth this new reality involving my brain, my mind (mind is interpreted here as brain in actions), my spirit, my body, my stance and any future attractions. My life would be filled with more “whoas” than “wows”.

Lastly, I feel that depression can also be a dis-ease of our Soul and I define Soul here as the Real Self, the part of us that knows of our Goodness and where the divinity of Source speaks through. Some of us, yours truly included here needs that connection with our Source as whenever I feel separated, I feel homesick and I don’t function well. I sense that I am meant to walk the “spiritual” path this time round, so every time I have distanced myself from it, the twins moved in and I have lived through the most horrible dark nights of the Soul that got me onto my knees.

I was shocked to find that only a few years ago when I was convinced it was time to retire completely, especially in the area of helping people, I unexpectedly experienced a return of depression. This “doing less/take it easy” lifestyle belief was causing me so much discomfort that I had to unpack all the boxes I’ve stored away in order to simplify life. Now I do not simplify life;  I expand life, I colour life, I taste life and I celebrate life. Do not down-size, up-size our brain’s capability and yearning to learn more, to be more curious as nothing can be more exciting than when we combine the “old-age” wisdom with new found knowledge. We can learn at an extraordinary speed and understanding because our vast life experiences have already placed us into this accelerated level.   

Lastly, milk out what we can, wastage to me is a “sin”, use the twins as our compass informing us when we might have to make a detour. We might also need a fair dosage of courage and humility to “own our stuff” when things are not working out. Don’t ask what we are good at, rather ask what we are best for others - there is a correlation  there. The truth is if the twins did not hit me below the belt a few years back, I would not be writing these blogs and my world without you would not be the same. Thank you for enriching my life with your attention, time and encouragement. I hear you so well.  

I simply can’t feel depressed if I don’t feel helpless, in any given situation, as the first and last frontiers of Freedom lie within the chosen thoughts in my own mind - yours truly