We often hear people warning us to be careful wishing for things unless we are serious about our intentions. Now I am in big trouble. Rewinding back to the mid 80s when the baby boomers kept flocking to the so called “New Age/Metaphysical” book shops in search for their enlightenment. I was one of those seekers (always sought but never found) but amused even then by what they called “new age” material as I found them more ancient in so many ways. It was at one of those Aladdin Caves that I discovered a thick blue book titled A Course in Miracles with no author’s name displayed anywhere.  It is a self study/mind training/psychotherapy book with a daily lesson to read for the whole year. I loved the poetic words with a Shakespearean feel and it is all about “Love is letting go of Fear”.

Around that time when I was all “pumped” up, I was interested to attend a 40 day/40 night ACIM Retreat to be held on top of some mountains in the United States. I wondered what it would be like being trapped in a “house” for so long and that meditation/self reflection, study, eating organic. exercising and sitting in “quietude” were the only agenda for the long stay. However, I could not peel myself away from my motherly responsibility so spent the next few decades attending to everyone’s needs except my own, and as to my Soul’s needs?... what is that!

Then came this little invisible “apparently dead” guy called Covid, it “knew” of my secret wish about being locked down indefinitely. Fortunately where I am dwelling is not your average “rough it out” retreat setting, apart from facing a shortage of toilet paper, it is a five star accomodation cum with a chef, gardener and a “clean after me” Jack of all trades - my own “designed” hubby.

 Covid can be so overbearing, it loves hearing its own name being mentioned non-stop on the news. In order to discourage this unhealthy self centeredness, I turned the TV off and hid my iPad. I  know the way I will walk through the next few months with it dictating my guidelines for living would either make me a “heroine” of my own life or a “servant” to its extreme intimidation. Such a bully.

But on a positive note, Covid did bring me other gifts though subtle with first glance and it serves a purpose. Once our government announced the lockdown, apart from ordering some supplements and masks online, I refused to allow it to diminish my ability to enjoy my life. I went all out to create the best retreat in the world, I made myself a well equipped gym and rescued the old leotard and felt “physical” as I danced to Olivia Newton John’s song. Next I established a “University” and even registered myself to undertake a PhD course of my own version. Behind the locked door I finally could devour all the unusual “things” I have held an enormous interest since time began but too scared to let others know how weird I am. Now you know.  My logic is since I have no idea when Covid might want to partner up with me, so what is there to be secretive about. I became so REAL for the first time and allowed my hair to turn gray without any explanations needed. That is real FREEDOM at work, great work, Covid, Hi five!!!!!  

Then I dusted off my beloved Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ book as I wanted to check what stage of the Grieving Process I was up to.  If my memory is intact, they are stages of Denial/shock, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance but not necessarily appearing in a certain order. Strangely in my case, I seemed to have started from the end stage and worked backward. I have no explanation for that except perhaps after experiencing a build up tension for so long that Mother Earth was in a bad mood,  I was able to feel some relief when this bubble finally burst.

There was something interesting I have discovered during this corona sabbatical, I started to notice that I have actually been “trained” in many different ways during the past in order to meet this present time challenge. While I was a little girl in Hong Kong, we must have gone through an epidemic of some sort as I remember being told that there were so many patients queuing around my father’s surgery for the shots but I recalled only his constant calm expression of love, compassion and patience for everyone he touched. It is true that the “inner” person reveals themselves when all is not going well. 

 The most helpful tool from my own toolbox would be the remembrance and recognition of how I got out of each of those “interesting” periods when I doubted if I could ever emerge onto the other side intact with my sanity. Almost every time as I reached rock bottom and was so fatigued that I lost my need to control...anything, period! It was as if the Universe was poking fun at me, teasing... “Now try this...yourself”. I was offended as all I wanted was my sense of safety, but nothing worked until….I finally gave up needing to know and willing to surrender to the “unknown”. So this time round, I knew better and headed directly to my Inner Cave and willing to sit very quiet asking only for guidance and inner peace. If you can take away anything from this blog, I hope you are convinced that you have what it takes to handle this crisis. Please look for all the “clues” or “learning opportunities” you have accumulated in your life so far, they are there. You alone have earned those Brownie points and now you can cash them in to make your “staycation” easier. 

 As we watch how deserted each city has become, it is so surreal our minds cannot fathom that reality. As one would ask who alone can shut down the whole world like that, without one word uttered or any warning and... for what reasons? We could no longer live the way we did before. We thought we were generally in control; from booking a table in a restaurant, organising a trip, planning for our pension and what have we, that “right” and “choice” were taken away from us and oops. I can’t recall anyone asking for our opinions or input. On top of that, we were all sent home and told to stay there like little naughty children authorised by the Principal. So...who is the Principal of this Earth School/Celestial Boot camp. I guess it might be the “sustainer” of Life, it is his/her duty to look after us and the generations after us.

“We do not inherit the land from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children” - Native American proverb    

However, there is an insightful side to this virus invasion, it is showing us that who we thought were our enemies ended up looking and suffering exactly like ourselves with the same need for love, safety and connectedness. Temporary we forgot about fighting each other with so much resources spent on weapons and with so many innocent lives being lost. Now we have a larger than life invisible “terrorist” to fight with. This is the first time ever that each earthling is going through the same gamut of emotions and feelings and the shared “stuff” we all thought were so important now we can let go easier. I was amazed and amused as to how little I need to live these days and also beginning to be aware of my deep need for silence. 

So let us go beyond the fear connotation with the coronavirus and to turn crisis into opportunity. Let us learn what feeling rested really means and that we deserve it. We can even take a good look with future work creations, deepening our relationships, honouring our similarities instead of differences. What tickles my curiosity is what would take place when the curfew is over with our tactile stimulation? Do we all rush out to greet each other with kisses, hugs and hands holding or have we all cultivated a more “superior” side of showing love and affection that go beyond the physical expression or gesturing. With this prolonged in-house “no touching” training, I think with or without social distancing, we all have reached the advanced stage of narrowing our emotional distance, and that, my friends, congratulations to us all, IT IS SUCH A GOOD THING.

Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature’s inexorable imperative - H.G. Wells (1866-1946)

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication - Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)

My love and thoughts are with you all, take hope and courage and I thank you for touching base with me.

I woke up to John Lennon singing IMAGINE in my head and was flooded with emotions of love, peace and hope...and I missed him.  Then I was immediately bombarded by the news feed about this coronavirus invasion on our humanity, I was shocked to my very core. I must admit I have sensed that “something” was heading our way, because our mother earth/beloved planet has not been coping for a long time now and something had to give.  I felt each wave of her labour pain as if Mother (Earth) was trying to give birth to a newer Earth; a new plane of existence to fill our deepest yearning of belongingness and oneness. Almost every word that John sang (though written by Yoko Ono) touched my Soul but I hated myself afterwards for using up half a roll of toilet paper for soaking up my tears. I was embarrassed with the footage broadcasted around the world showing how we fought each other over packets of toilet paper inside a supermarket as if we cannot live without it. When John Lennon shared “imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can”, they were not thinking what I am thinking.

As I am not one who suffers from a lack of imagination so I pose this question to myself. What if we have ears to hear and awareness to interpret the language of our beloved Mother Earth, what then would she be saying to us throughout these last decades? Has she given us enough signs such as the disappearances of our forests, animal species, melting of the icebergs, just to name a few to show us that not all is well?  Have we seen enough evidence on how polluted our atmosphere is; how dirty our bodies of water have become and how our beloved animals, fish and birds are being strangled daily with our plastic bags and suffocated by having bottle tops stuck inside their throats. Yup, you can find my name on the “guilty” list as I routinely accepted a plastic bag from a shop (plainly too lazy to bring one with me) and I adhered to the dangerous axiom of “out of sight, out of mind”!.

Who could imagine the consequences of our absent mindedness; our unwillingness to  respect nature and to care for the ground that produces our food supply. We need clean air to breathe and trees are doing our purification work while we are fast asleep. We are cheating ourselves with our lack of interest to learn about the healing herbs and plants that the Creative Force/God gifted to us since time began…. what are we thinking!!!

Perhaps we are not “thinking” adequately at all, at least not for our next generation or those generations that follow. Sometimes I even heard myself rumbling that since I won’t be here by then so why worry about throwing a lolly paper out a moving vehicle’s window on a lonely drive with no one around. I think it is this kind of irresponsibility, selfishness, laziness that have resulted in the whole world having a “Collective Sleep In” leading finally to a “Compulsory Shut In”. Yes, we have heard the alarm clock going off but we reached out and pressed the “off” button and continued our pillow talk. There is a saying that “enough is enough” so perhaps what is happening now is that Mother Earth has finally got hold of a universal loudspeaker broadcasting her message to every inch of her body, begging us to save her so she can nourish our future grandbabies. Our Mother Earth which is a living organism is governed by a Higher Intelligence and she needs to maintain her equilibrium and balance so to provide us with positive life-force to strive. The arrival of the coronavirus is the ultimate alarm clock? None is spared here and perhaps the young who are less prone to its killing force are waiting for us, the dependable adults to “change” (within and without) for them?  Ouch!!!!! Sorry, a case of hitting below the belt.

I am reading this book called “Grow a New Body” by Dr. Alberto Villoldo, forward by Christiane Northrup, MD (my favourite) and Ablerto co-led detox programmes with Mark Hyman, MD (another favourite) and also co-wrote a book with neurologist David Perlmutter, MD (also a favourite) called “Power Up Your Brain”. Under the subtitle of “A Harmonizing Force” in which he shared:  “We mistakenly believe that the only way to avoid illness, conflict, or suffering is by fighting for survival and exerting power over others. But in fact, our greedy, selfish, manipulative actions lead to the very illness, conflict, and suffering we’re trying so hard to avoid. That’s not to say that we are the authors of all the misfortune that befalls us. Sometimes what we’re experiencing are the consequences of an imbalance we personally had no part in creating.The Ebola virus is an example. This deadly virus was once contained within a 10-square-mile forest in Africa, but when the forest was cut down for lumber, the virus lost its natural habitat and quickly spread to animals and humans in the surrounding area.  Many of the people who have died from Ebola had nothing to do with cutting down the forest, but they suffered mightily from it nonetheless”.  

But, on a more positive note, please know that there is always a silver lining to everything and because of my busi-ness for the past few years, now I have the chance to “make acquaintance” with my parasympathetic nervous system with the simple to follow agenda “rest, digest, heal”. Wanting to make full use of this “shut-in” period, I ordered a portable one-person far infrared sauna, a cheapie from Amazon, but it does the work. So think of a covered courtyard with a Moroccan colour theme: moonlight shining from above; gentle dry heat soothing my tired body and flushing out toxins through sweating over my skin; candles filling the air with aromatherapy fragrance and listening to Dr Deepak Chopra’s meditation on how not to be scared by this virus.

I also use this “SEASON OF REST” to introduce myself to intermittent fasting, it has turned out to be quite easy and pain free. I started off with a greater “eating window” and experienced no hardships. I loved eating my own fat for breakfast and lunch, it costed me nothing and the fasting enabled my “damaged” cells to commit suicide in a process called autophagy. I like it a lot so does the bathroom scale and mirror.

My next “shut in” attempt would be to establish a veggie box and to play with  mushroom compost and worm poo growing organic produce in my backyard. Only then would I be able to trade with my local supermarket for a few rolls of toilet paper.  A win win situation alright!  

Furthermore, I want to create a Facebook Community Group asap for anyone who might be living in isolation or have been forced to stay away from work indefinitely. I believe there are people who do not belong to any groupings thus receive no support or any human connectedness during this most challenging time. We are social beings and we are tribal orientated, we strive best with a sense of belonging. I want to “catch” people at the grass root level, where we are feeling so fearful, vulnerable, confused, depressed, anxious and alone. From my own experience with engaging in more than half a dozen of community facebook groups during the last several years, I can vouch how helpful and fun that “joining” have been. I have made some wonderful friendships and not to mention the effect it has on my own personal growth and development. 

I feel that it is often a bit late trying to mop up the “damages” afterwards, it is better to walk with people at their most trying times than to “counsel” them afterwards. I believe that people are basically good and Facebook members do not ask for much but can be lifted instantly by others placing a “like” or contributing some positive comments. I shall let you know once I have it set up. The idea is for me to post a sentence or two DAILY sharing something meaningful or helpful, I would head each daily share with these three beautiful words  “JUST FOR TODAY” because we are all learning to live a day at a time. I accept this will be a “big ask” from myself, but someone has to do it, so why not me? Do join with me in our global village and spread the words to those who might have been left on their own to tread through this confusing maze. It is not necessary for us to suffer so much. We need each other, we are each other. Call me a dreamer if you like, no apology here as John and Yoko also shared “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one, I hope one day you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”

I came across this beautiful piece of writing by Kitty O’Meara gracing our social media the other day, it touched and inspired me deeply and I think you would love it too.

And the people stayed at home. And read books, and listened, and rested and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently.

And the people healed. And in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless and heartless ways, the earth began to heal.

And when the danger passed and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully as they had been healed.

“This too shall pass, we all know that, but to have it passed without finding out the insightful message/lesson it brought to us in the first place would be such a shame”  - Yours truly

Love yourself as if your life depends on it because it does” - Anita Moorjani

Thank you everyone once again for joining with me, we will see this through together. I send you love, light, peace and healing. Don’t stress, all would be WELL.

Hello, Adrian here again. It’s only been a few weeks since the world has really started to shut down due to the pandemic and it already feels like months. We’ve all transitioned in different ways, at different times, and have been finding our own grooves amongst it all at our own pace.

I assume I’m not alone when I say that I have been actively trying to avoid the news, social media and even family at times (sorry guys!) when all you hear is news and more news about this pandemic, it’s effect, and the sick/death tolls. Call me ignorant if you will, but one can only handle so much negativity and bad news in a time like this and sometimes you just need to get a break from it all.

If you are like me as well, you would probably be getting emails daily from online vendors, services, etc.. on what they are doing in response to the situation. Whilst I do appreciate my local carpet company has introduced better hand washing policies, the truth is that I really don’t care. I don’t.

What I do care about is when there is some acknowledgement of the seriousness of the situation and a means for us to band together to get through it, whether that’s by doing our part by staying home, or by sharing tips on things we can do to help. And that’s what I’m going to try to do a small bit of through this post. 

Now I know there’s probably hundreds of articles by now about tips for those who may be working from home for an extended period, but I thought I would try to help cut through the noise by just sharing my own experience on a few tips that I have found to be most effective. For context I work in IT and don’t have a heavy reliance on physical presence at the office, nor do I have kids to look after - so your results obviously will vary depending on your own situation, however I tried to keep it quite broad.

Tip #1 - Schedule in your recurring breaks (and TAKE them)

This one took me a while to incorporate into my days, as I initially thought that when I was working from home the chances to take breaks would be numerous. I was wrong. What I found going into it was that I was sticking to my seat and screens for 9-11 hours at a time - barely having time to use the bathroom or grab a glass of water in between meetings. I knew after a few days of this that this wasn’t sustainable, nor good for my physical or mental health. If you work a 9-5 normally, you can’t just follow the same routine at home as you did before in the office as your routines just aren’t the same. You are probably waking up and sleeping at different times, your commute has gone from getting on a car/train/bus (for 30-60+ mins) - to walking 10 steps from the bed in 2 mins.

I found that scheduling a 30 min break in the morning and a 30 min break in the afternoon worked a charm. It broke up those longer periods before and after lunch and gave me the time I needed to reset mentally.

Tip #2 - Find and define your work and home zones

This one was more so for to help me mentally, to associate and disassociate zones for work and home time. I set-up a desk where I “commuted” to each morning, did everything from that area during the work day, and when I was done for the day I would shut down - walk away and not go near that desk until the next day. As tempting as it was to jump on a beanbag, or sofa to work from my laptop in the living room - I just found that doing this made it more difficult for me to wind down after work or “switch off” mentally when I went to these spots to relax later. It still reminded me of work, and didn’t feel like I was leaving anymore. Once I made it clear where I went to “work” and where I went when I was off - the invisible partitions went up and I was able to wind down much easier at “home”. 

Tip #3 - Exercise or make sure you move throughout the day

This. This a million times. You have to get out and move. If you have a job that is flexible that can give you the time and breaks as mentioned above, use that time for a walk around the block, or even around the house to stretch, do some yoga, meditate outside or something. If not, wake up 30 mins earlier (which you probably have time to do anyway if you aren’t commuting anymore) - and do some light exercise and build that into your before or after work routine. It helped immensely for me to just have a time I could focus on myself, and my own health. 

If you are a germaphobe with a dash of paranoia like I am at this time, you are probably asking yourself the same thing, that is it safe to go outside for a walk (shoot I don’t even call uber eats anymore as I don’t trust that driver’s hands)!? Here’s a great article I read recently that touches on this and has some good tips too.

That’s all I have gang, and by no means am I licensed health professional or claiming to be one, but I am one of millions of people working from home (while playing footsies with anxiety) for what may be months more ahead and I would be just as keen to get some other tips from others. Hope this helps at least one of you reading and stay safe all. 

For as long as I can remember, I dislike the word POWER to the extent that I felt embarrassed using it as it gives a connotation of someone choosing to be manipulative so to gain an upper hand over someone else.

However, during the last few years I had a major flip-over; my attitude towards this word has changed so much that now I can’t live without it on a daily basis, okay… a bit  tongue in cheek perhaps but allow me to explain. I know that life is full of contradictions so for me to find my power at my most powerless stage seems a bit odd to say the least. When given the “C” word as diagnosis, my fear level hit the roof but I managed to calm myself down enough to sit back and watch my life reviews, or should I say self-generated life reviews’ preview. They were generally great stuff to go through though I cringed over some minor bits but overall I was grateful for all the “learned” experiences. 

However, I felt much regret over how “absent-minded” I have been floating through life like a light footed ghost manoeuvring turns in a “going through the motions” style. I know I was present in all events, darting here and there, but hey guys, there has to be a bit more?  So I told myself if I was going to die, I needed to die with some oomph still in me and I was determined to go out with flying colours.  Yup, what a “show-off”! 

As I sat in this disempowering state trying to Google for life’s answers, even the Internet got impatient with me and suggested that I should consult Siri. It was a waste of my time really as this “sounds polite enough” virtual assistant could not get my accent. I further discovered that my “grief” was not entirely related to my fear of my disappearing act. I heard that the process of transition is like lifting and shifting my behind from one chair to the next as was told by a few Near Death Experiencers. I can do that!  ...but to have so called LIVED A LIFE without the much “LIVED” parts is like having cheated on myself big time.

What did I miss?

I am having some problems here trying to rake up an analogy for you, as weird as it is (really what sort of explanations are you expecting from a “weird as” person, a weird explanation, right?) but this can be the world’s first. I realized that the comfortable numbness I have felt throughout my life though not listed as life threatening is very frustrating.  It is like an annoying itch on my back that I cannot reach. But an itch usually signals that something is not quite right and the continuing symptom can drive anyone insane. I need to hop over to that “sweet spot” and find myself some relief!

Then I saw the light, almost blinded me with such cruel self discovery. I have been suffering (definition: living with total denial) from a grand case of self-disempowerment. I have unknowingly “unplugged” my power connection conduit and the worst thing is...where about is my battery charger? I believe I have misplaced the charger because I failed to read the “birth entry” manual on my arrival and no one ever told me about it.

It was unfortunate that no one ever bothered to enlighten us that we were all born with this unique power; substitute that previous “dirty” word with “gentle knowingness”... of who we truly are and how magnificent we are as spiritual beings going through physical experiences. We learned to play small and traded our inner power/pure knowingness to either please others or helping them not to feel overshadowed by our “shininess”. That was our GREATEST miss-take, knocking ourselves off the “deserving”  pedestals where goodness and humanness are revered.  

My next discovery both frightened and excited me as I saw the connection between the  claiming back of my AUTHENTIC POWER (which is our birth day gift from Day 1) and the first hello to my SOUL SENSING ( sorry I cannot figure out another description). As they began to merge, I was HOME at last and felt no lack.  

Then it also occurred to me that I have never invited my Soul to participate in any life activities, least with any of my decisions, I merely engaged with my five senses.  My “Soul” sensing my receptivity began to invite my “personality” out for a dance; believe me it was a better watch than the “Dancing with the Stars”! Their energies resonated with each other and they ALIGNED whenever my personality yields to the impulse of my Soul. I feel full, complete and damn POWERFUL when I allow my personality to “serve” the energy of my Soul. Life then takes on a different Meaning.

Here I would like to invite you to scratch a little bit deeper where it itches/numbs so to reclaim and own your power back. Then once you have located the seed/seat of your power, sit in it and everything would become so much clearer.  How can it not be if we send out an invite to the wisest part of our being to lead. Therein I learned the meaning of the phrase “I need do nothing” but merely just attending to what feels like “superb love” at any given moment knowing that I am beautifully guided.

Charge up your battery/power pack and feel alive today. Share and contribute only from the most powerful part of you, the rest, no one is Interested

Be willing to give up your powerless story, go play your Biggest Game instead

           - Yours truly

I thank you all once again for sharing my musings and I send you much love.

If there is one “aspect” circling around my life that I would like to part company with this year, it is the constant “arrive too early, leave too late/never leave” entity named FEAR who hangs around close enough for me to feel her breath. She is a loyal companion and was introduced to me since my childhood fulfilling her role as both my constant “playmate” and an early childhood educator. I have accepted her as a part of my life, for better or worse though I cannot remember signing a contract to cohabit with her. We have grown so familiar that we often complete each other’s sentences and at times it is difficult to tell where I begin and she ends. We have enjoyed our codependent relationship, so I thought!

Not quite - for a while now I have experienced an uneasiness/dissatisfaction about my relationship with FEAR;  it is a bit like falling out of love - you want to ignore it but you can’t. If I stay too long in close proximity with Fear, I would suffer a case of indigestion and have an adverse reaction soon after ingesting her energy.  I have since realised that generally fearful molecules can come to me in two ways. Firstly, I am aware that I am capable to scare myself even without any apparent triggers as if I am on some sort of “default” setting. Secondly I can call upon outside assistance by switching on the nightly news or to go on a shopping spree looking for “negative geared” people. What a revelation/insult to find out that close to 97% of my fears I have imagined them into being. 

As I step onto this new 2020 page, I want a clean canvas to paint on so I am in the process of evicting Fear though she has been wearing my slippers for so long. I have also introduced some guidelines into my “new” life; I would not watch news or upsetting movies and I would be more “selective” with interactions in order to calm my nervous system and improve my immune response. On the mental level, I don’t think we can feel calm and happy while being fearful.  Since there are only two emotions we can experience at one time (i.e. “Love” or “Fear”) so to choose one is to let the other one go.  

I think I might be in a worse off situation than you; remember how I boasted about being a great storyteller, that I can construct a storyline at the drop of a hat. Since my other half (i.e. “FEAR”) is very creative and quick so she can scare me sh*tless with my own thoughts. She helps me to write and then live out a narrative of fear and despair and at times we even touch on insanity. These are occasions when I allowed her to Google on my diagnosis or to plan so much ahead of time on anything that I have no control over.  Whenever I give my power to these imagined fears (my self-energised distorted creation/thought), my diagnosis would feel like a life or death condition and as the tsunami of anxiety tips me over, the torture of living with such immense fear is often worse than the actual condition or happening.

Fortunately, there is a way out as while we cannot control how we feel but we do have the power to choose how we think… and 

Anxiety is nothing but repeatedly re-experience failure in advance, what a waste - Seth Godin.

I penned this prose titled FEAR in 1996 as an effort to give it to my lifelong companion FEAR as a parting gift, but it did not work. I soon begged her to return as I felt lost without her constant reminders that I live in an unsafe world and that I MUST find ways to make myself safe, like erecting an underground bunker so to keep all the fearful stories by my side. It was a bad habit stemmed from my over-active mind that needs the constant feed of problems, issues and what have you in order to stay stimulated or to feel alive!  

At almost the same time I also had a light bulb moment as to why I chose to become a talk therapist.  A talk therapist friend of mine shared this “grain of truth” with me, it says;

“Being a (talk) therapist is like borrowing your watch to tell you the time”.  

Here is my prose:     

There is this silent ache

deep within my Soul,

A nameless fear

Intruding, threatening my safety.

Lurking in forms of disguises

Among the maze of a dreamer,

Fretting ceaselessly in my slumber.

Looking through frustrated eyes, 

A mind wild with insanity,

Wishing things for what they are not,

Bending, twisting, insisting.

Shaping illusions into reality,

A task only fools take,

Panic arise from confusion.

Something snaps back into place,

Willing to relinquish distorted beliefs,

COME WHAT MAY, 

THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY.

No more struggles, no power plays,

Peace in quiet acceptance,

Embrace the fear and melt it away.

Bonnie Hoo - 1996

I know that I cannot ignore or push away any fear because I would become its prisoner and lose my feelings of happiness, peace and spontaneity. Now I stare them in the eye and if possible I share my fear with another understanding person.It often happens that when I started to verbalise, I could hear my own “gibberish” (just googled definition: unintelligible or meaningless language) so I would yell out “cancel” in order to save the friendship with my long suffering listener.

I have also found out that if I get to know myself more honestly, I do not fall into this knee jerk fearful reaction so readily. “Know thyself thus set yourself free” is making more sense to me. 

Thanks for touching base with me, have a great month and I send you love.  

Welcome to a brand new 2020, I believe that many of us have experienced a rather tough year and secretly hoping that as the clock strikes twelve, our “fortune” would change for the better. Of course it has nothing to do with the setting of the clock but I have a feeling that how we set our intention can influence both the “coming attractions” and “determined quality” of our life to a certain extent.  

With less than two days to hand in this assignment to Adrian, our Webmaster to be posted out on the first, I feel fortunate to have received a lovely email from my husband containing this beautiful life message to share with you. So here it is:

Dialogue between God and the Dead Man:

A man died…. when he realised it, he saw God coming closer with a suitcase in his hand.

God: “Alright son, it’s time to go”

Man: “So soon? I had a lot of plans ...”

God: “I am sorry but it’s time to go”

Man: “What do you have in that suitcase?”

God: “Your belongings”

Man: “My belongings? you mean my things...clothes...money…”

God: “Those things were never yours, they belong to the Earth”

Man: “Is it my memories?”

God: “No, they belong to time”

Man: “Is it my talent?”

God: “No, they belong to circumstances”

Man: “Is it my friends and family?”

God: “No son, they belong to the path you travelled”

Man: “Is it my wife and children?”

God: “No, they belong to your heart”

Man: “Then it must be my body”

God: “No No...it belongs to dust”

Man: “Then surely it must be my Soul!”

God: “You are sadly mistaken son, your Soul Belongs to me”.

Man with tears in his eyes and full of fear took the suitcase from God’s hand and opened it…

EMPTY…

With heart broken and tears down his cheek he asks God…

Man: “I never owned anything?”

God: “That’s right, you never owned anything”

Man: “Then..what was mine?”

God: “your MOMENTS” - EVERY MOMENT YOU LIVED WAS YOURS”

Do Good in every moment,

Think Good in every moment,

Thank God for every moment.

LIFE IS JUST A MOMENT:

Live it…..

Love it…..

Enjoy it…..

(Please share this beautiful message with everyone to know the meaning of life!)

Incidentally, the two words I love most in the Dictionary are HOME and MOMENT and my two most favourite songs are “THIS IS THE MOMENT” and “MOMENT OF TIME”.  I am excited to begin the new year with a blank page for every day of the year and I will dress up each page with interesting stories to tell, experiences to cherish, new perceptions to enlighten, brave actions to empower, kind words to inspire, huge hugs to give and roaring laughter to share. Perhaps this year I would even substitute a word which has not resonate well with me for a while now.  It is the word “lesson”, like…”this is your exact lesson, mate”, “you really need to overcome your lesson” and “when are you going to learn from all these lessons?”  (note plural). This list goes on and on, reminding me 24/7 that there is something so wrong with me that I need to have myself checked and fixed at all times.  This obsession is turning me into a rather dull and boring specimen. I wonder if there is another “happier” word looking at the gifts of lessons.

Yes there is (at least for myself in 2020) and I would welcome this new year with my 20/20 vision of celebrating myself while the fireworks will herald in my new “image” (or whatever word you would like to use). To be blunt, I am sick of reading myself in the “less than” column;... “Less than what?” I would ask!!!!  I’d like to welcome and accept myself as a “healthily whole” and an “imperfectly perfect” specimen/piece of art. I shall let go of all my long suffering lessons and use the word examples instead.  I would be attracting and surrounded by all these glorious examples others are sharing with me and I, in turn would endeavour to imitate them (so to flatter them of course). What a sane way to learn/experience through joy and positivity instead of through shame and inadequacy.  I would stay open and receptive to each precious MOMENT knowing the full meaning of enoughness in each. I am so excited to start this new year with you, of course I would not know in advance what my life will bring forth to be sharing with you, that is the fun part of it, not knowing, yet learning to trust that all will be fine.  Will talk more next month, may we all gently hold each precious moment in our hand but don’t hold it too tight for it is in the sharing that the magic multiples. Thank you again for reading my blog and I send you love.

You have a choice each and every single day.  I choose to feel blessed. I choose to feel grateful.  I choose to be excited.  I choose to be thankful. I choose to be happy - Amber Housley

Happiness is the new rich;  inner peace is the new success;  health is the new wealth; kindness is the new cool - writer unknown

Today I am feeling sad as I found out my beloved friend Leslie had just passed away. It was made harder because I am in the process of arranging with his wife, one of my besties to go out and share our normal “table for four” treats every now and then. So you can appreciate how “missed out” I am feeling. Having learned that painful lesson, I would now endeavour to layer myself up through storm and rain just to sit opposite someone I love and share those precious moments.

I met Leslie about four decades ago as our children attended the same kindergarten and we were fortunate that not only our kids liked each other, the parents also resonated with each other and became lifelong friends. We shared many celebrations along the way, from birthdays (includings all 21st), confirmations, engagements, weddings.   

Leslie was a neurologist and his passion and devotion towards medicine and his patients was extraordinary. He moved with ease combining his expertise and professionalism and together with his hallmark calm energy and down to earth manner relaxed all those under his care. He always walked that extra mile and to say he was helpful would have been an understatement. So throughout all these decades, it was Leslie whom I would call upon if any of our organs were misbehaving and each time he was happy and willing to be there for us or to refer our “organ parts” to some of his specialist friends. I knew his home phone number by heart that once while after being admitted to the Emergency and when asked “who do you want to call?”, I gave them Leslie’s number. That incidentally happened on a Sunday afternoon, his day off and he was going to accompany his wife to Chapel Street (our popular shopping strip) but he turned up at the hospital which luckily was located in the same area.  I ended up staying in the hospital for a week and Leslie would pop in to check on me, almost every evening before he headed home for dinner. Leslie was not just a Doctor, he was a healer, a friend and a superb human being; attributes such as sensitivity, gentleness, compassion and non-judgmental attitude were values he cherished throughout his amazing and very useful life. 

Though Leslie was a rather quiet man but I “heard” him loud and clear while he was sitting next to my hospital bed, he could soothe the fear and pain away while inspiring and encouraging me to get well. Just like what my prose below would describe, I sensed a mutual place created between us, a sacred space if you like between the healer and the one to be healed. I believe it was the shared intention of returning to health that triggered off my recovery.  I remember how special that moment felt with neither words or actions to interfere the stillness and in that suspension I knew I was worthy to be healed - to be made WHOLE again.

For those who have been blessed enough to have met Leslie, everyone would agree he was a very gentle, kind and generous Soul, but he was in no way timid, he would happily stand up for principles he believed in. Leslie was also a great pianist and he would play for us on his grand piano during some great parties at his home and everyone was moved by his skill and style as the sound of classical music soared up toward their cathedral ceiling.

My reaction to the news of his passing affected me much more so than normally because it wasn’t just about me losing a very good friend, it was something more.  While bombarded by news feed on television and suffering a case of digital overload and an extraordinary amount of accumulated stress caused by chasing so hard after my life, I am longing for that place of quietude that Leslie seemed to own. I frightened myself further by thinking that we as a human race would soon be running out of that rare kind of quiet energy. In a moment of shock and sadness, I held my fist up towards Heaven, demanding to know why they would need to recruit him Home while we earthlings down here are so desperately in need for Leslie’s ability to dilute some of the rushed collective energy. 

So today I am not going to push away this painful feeling of grief, to grieve is not an indication of my weakness or my inability to hold faith, it is the price of love I am willing to pay for having been touched by such compassion and generosity.  I shall respect this grieving passage and accept that it needs not be a place to stay for too long.  But instead, I would thank God for Leslie and thank Leslie for demonstrating that it is possible to embody all these wonderful attributes in a body within a lifetime by contributing so much to humanity.  

We will be known forever by the tracks we leave - Dakota Indian proverb

FYI, I wrote this prose for my late brother-in-law Vincent on March, 1998, shortly before his passing, he “liked” it so much that on one occasion many years later he “revealed” to me that he had resonated with it. (That could be perhaps another story to be told in the future?)

Now as to why I want to include this prose for Leslie’s tribute blog, because if I had the opportunity to be sitting next to his bed while he was very ill last week, I would have wanted so much to convey these words to him. I have a feeling he would have agreed with each single word, now I “see” him smiling and nodding his head in his usual way and I know HE IS WELL. (definitely more “alive” than me)

A THANK YOU NOTE

There is a place I often go,

We can arrive there with or without a form.

Stripped of an ego and a personality,

I know we just meet as pure Souls.

If you feel it is time to let go,

All your worldly cares and woes,

Take only the memories of Love,

You’ve so generously received and shown.

I cannot thank you enough,

For in my darkest moments you’ve come,

Not so much with words or actions,

But in the silence you evoked

That special sacredness only Spirits know.

God speed, my brother, my friend,

Embraced by angels and our prayers,

Homecoming is no longer a scary threat.

Rest and wait for a little while,

You will then greet us one by one,

With my sincerity I like to assure,

I’ll regard that welcome as my special reward.

Bonnie Hoo

March 1998.

Okay, everyone, what a year this has been, pretty full on though plain sailing is not the phrase for me. We all should be proud of ourselves as many challenges have been met, meaningful lessons learned, fears liberated, love extended, fun absorbed and friendships formed, just like the one we have here though we only have met up digitally and globally.  I am grateful to have you accompanying me on this journey, you make it so fun and filling my heart with love, peace, joy and gratitude. I wish you the same “overflow” for now and next year. Let’s all enjoy a peaceful Christmas, a well earned break and collectively combine our positivity, courage and great intention for all things good and uplifting in 2020. 

Thanks for reading my blog and I send you LOVE.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what 

you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel

-  Maya Angelou

The why that makes you (me here) cry is the key - David Jockers

As I was sitting in front of my computer with a “blank” page in my head last night, I noted that the date was 28th October and only half an hour before that, I had to inform Adrian, our webmaster that it would take a “miracle” for me to send over to him my 1st November’s blog post within 72 hours. But as usual I was mischievously curious and decided to just sit here staring at the screen and allowing my muses to play with my keyboard.

As I relaxed and commenced to read through this article from a page of the magazine called “Australian Woman’s Day” dated 12/20/88, I began to lol. Who in her sane mind would bother to write the next month’s blog if Dr Bernie Siegel had already written one for us.

I think you would like this real life story as I also have the “proof” posted up here to amuse you. The story started sometime in the late 80s when I was browsing through a bookshop in Honolulu (Hawaii), Bernie’s book titled “Love, Medicine and Miracles” dropped off the shelf and landed on my head (BTW Dr Siegel requested to be addressed as just plain “Bernie”). I took the hint and purchased this book and his set of two cassette tapes and fell in love not only with his soothing voice, but Bernie himself.  And I am still very much in love decades later.

“Love, Medicine and Miracles” is a book I have cherished since but it didn’t resurface back into my life until around 2015 when I was wrongly diagnosed with lymphoma and was advised to start my chemo treatment the next week or so. Partly because I was all geared up to host a party for my beloved overseas sister visiting us at that time and also because I was feeling very healthy and not happy to be pushed into any forms of treatments that I did not feel ready for. I wanted to embark on an EXPERIMENT immediately, however what moved me to do so I had no idea. I somehow recalled Bernie’s book even though I was in a state of shock and fear as I remembered how peaceful I felt listening to his words from the cassette tapes or reading between the lines sensing his calm and generous energy embedded in each word. I wanted to undertake this “wait, look and see” challenge so to equip and empower myself with new knowledge and to gain some peace before heading back to my specialist when I felt the timing was right...for me!  

What followed surprised me, almost from the instant I started reading the first paragraph, I felt a sea of calmness washing over me. Bernie felt more like a friend, a partnership in Wellness Care than a Doctor, I felt his love though I am still not sure if that word love is  allowed to be used within the area of Medicine. My schedule was to start each day absorbing Bernie’s positive vibes as I enjoyed my breakfast. I noted that the book contained nine chapters and knew that I could easily manage covering a chapter each week. By the time I got to the end of the book, I was much more “tooled” up and felt more capable to face whatever “life lemon” got thrown at my face due to a more trusting mindset minus the “whatever” rolling eye upward movements. I was convinced that it would not be helpful to approach any forms of modalities if I was immersed in some much fear. I also believed that it is the innate Creative Intelligence within our body that heals and my only job was to create a healing environment (inner and outer) for any forms of possible healing to take place.

Please read this excerpt that I have included on this blog post for you, I do apologise that I cannot locate the following page, you see the manner in which I obtained this “page” was not the ideal way but that is the “mischief” part of me that comes out to play every now and then, yes, only when it is safe to do so.

Now winding back to 1988 as I was meeting up with my Doctor/friend for a consultation at his clinic. Dr R had shown interest in all the “woo woo” stuff this “hoo hoo” so loved exploring. But I possessed some class and never felt comfortable insisting others to read this book or listen to that cassette. I convinced my “Inner Guidance System” to throw out a sign or two. Our plan was that I would carry Bernie’s two cassette tapes (audio version of the same book he read from) in my handbag and that if I was meant to give Dr R the tapes, I would notice some strange writing on the clinical wall. I had a few minutes to wait so I randomly pulled out a Woman’s Day magazine from among probably twenty others on a bookshelf. Now because I was not wearing my glasses, I was a bit sight challenged but as you would notice, the “M” in the word Miracles measures 4 ½ cm in length so that word caught my poor sight, my inquisitive mind and my very excited heart.

So now as I was sitting opposite Dr R, I asked him if he has ever heard of Dr Bernie Siegel and his book, he replied that he has indeed and in fact wanted to buy one to read asap. I uttered “why bother to read if you can just listen to him reading out his own book?”.  Dr R was curious and very attentive by then as I opened up my handbag dramatically, pulled out the set of the two cassettes and placed them neatly in front of him.

Now Dr R was slightly shocked but amused, he leaned back onto his chair and exclaimed “OMG” in which I could only respond with “..not quite”.

I then proceeded to own up and showed him the magazine which I “stole” from his waiting room collection. But without bothering to ask for his permission, I ripped the page off, folded it and placed it inside my handbag while musing ...”don’t worry, no one would miss it, who is going to read this kind of stuff, celebrities’ sex lives are more interesting”.  With this unexpected rude comment from me, Dr R looked around his room and pointed out to me that there were many other “items” that probably could fit nicely inside my handbag.

Want to know if our friendship ended right there? Nope, he invited this “thief” to his wedding soon after.

Okay, it is a great story, but what is the takeaway message here. I think it is more “profitable” to go through life asking for pointers, signs and directions (aka outside Help) but I must add “stealing” is not that noble. You might wonder if I would have given the tapes over to Dr R if I did not happen to pick up this article, the answer is “probably not”. Please do not feel bad for Dr R for losing a page off the 1988 edition of a woman’s magazine, you see, as he still has my two cassette tapes even though both of us probably do not own a cassette player anymore.

“You cannot be your own guide to miracles for it is you who make it necessary” - Alan Cohan

“The natural healing force within each of us is the greatest force in getting well” - Hippocrates

Thank you once again for sharing your time and space with me, I do love you.

I hope you have enjoyed reading Adrian’s (our webmaster) blog last month about his experience with anxiety and depression. I admire his courage to share so that others might not feel so alone.  Because of my last panic attack that occurred some forty years ago, I am hoping by sharing my perspective it would provide you with some food for thought.

Having to live with the twins (named Anxiety and Depression) was no fun, I lived it 24/7 for a few years on and off but during tough times I was only able to get a small window of relief for several hours in the evenings and faced the same music the next day. The topic on genes is popular these days as to what genes would trigger on what reactions. Within my own experience, I was able to locate my three special “genes” that would bring forth my anxiety and depression if I activate them and take me along this single track to hell. 

My first A&D gene is called “Learned Helplessness”, I don’t recall anyone teaching me this special technique, I learnt it all by myself through my initial experience, seeing and interpreting what was happening with a pair of a six year old’s eyes. Allow me to share with you this original imprint, an outdated story but the insight was very useful to me.

I was about six and I was SO excited to be attending a little girl’s birthday party down the road, it was my first invite. However just a few hours before this much anticipated event, my mother announced that she would be sending my younger sister to represent all of us, reasons unclear but it probably had something to do with being more “classy” for not intruding like a herd of sheep munching up other’s cup cakes. To make matters worse, my mother wrapped up my unopened Christmas gift that was given to me by my Auntie and recycled it to this birthday girl.  

I felt a sense of overwhelming HOPELESSNESS and HELPLESSNESS for the first time. I felt like my whole bubble had just burst and that my feelings were not important, in fact I felt confused and even guilty for having them. I had no verbal skills to articulate and in truth my participation of any kind was not “required” even if the decision making involved parting with my cherished unopened Christmas gift. This was my first real taste of the “I can do nothing” helpless feeling and I soon learned to resign to others who are in a position to dictate what I can have or not and I applied the same helpless feeling indiscriminately to any self-perceived hopeless situation.  

I hid under the sofa that entire afternoon and the tragedy was that no one even noticed my absence - though we lived in a large household. That unspoken message that I must be so “unimportant” followed me around as I grew older but that initial spot of pain remained in place, waiting to match up with similar situations/people to trigger off the same feelings of helplessness. Now I watch myself like a hawk and I refuse to play this “find and match” game so I have been able to rush the twins out the door if “accidentally” they sneak in. Now they don’t come to visit anymore, think I have pissed them off for good! This skill is easier than you think, just apply self awareness.

My second special gene is called “Self Pity”, it is deliciously addictive though not attractive to look at. Nowadays I do not indulge in it and if it appears on my horizon, I just whisper “Sorry, you are a luxury I can no longer afford”. Fair enough, it knows of it’s lack of value and it leaves me alone.

My third gene has to do with “Unfairly Treated”, this powerful belief is a magnet for the twins. It is our own illusion to insist that this world works on a system of fairness, it never did and it never will, why? ...because our egos like seeing ourselves as being unfairly treated. I prefer to see my responsibility lies not trying to change the world or people but making sure I embrace fairness myself as a virtue and a recipe for my own happiness. 

Now we know that our external world reflects how our internal world looks like, so by wearing a sign telling the world that I am “depressed”, I would undoubtedly begin to attract people of the same kind. We would hold rehearsals singing the same sad song, in short we would encourage each other to move our wounded past into our present so to CONTINUE creating more or less along the same lines. So what had started initially as a little depressed thought is now bringing forth this new reality involving my brain, my mind (mind is interpreted here as brain in actions), my spirit, my body, my stance and any future attractions. My life would be filled with more “whoas” than “wows”.

Lastly, I feel that depression can also be a dis-ease of our Soul and I define Soul here as the Real Self, the part of us that knows of our Goodness and where the divinity of Source speaks through. Some of us, yours truly included here needs that connection with our Source as whenever I feel separated, I feel homesick and I don’t function well. I sense that I am meant to walk the “spiritual” path this time round, so every time I have distanced myself from it, the twins moved in and I have lived through the most horrible dark nights of the Soul that got me onto my knees.

I was shocked to find that only a few years ago when I was convinced it was time to retire completely, especially in the area of helping people, I unexpectedly experienced a return of depression. This “doing less/take it easy” lifestyle belief was causing me so much discomfort that I had to unpack all the boxes I’ve stored away in order to simplify life. Now I do not simplify life;  I expand life, I colour life, I taste life and I celebrate life. Do not down-size, up-size our brain’s capability and yearning to learn more, to be more curious as nothing can be more exciting than when we combine the “old-age” wisdom with new found knowledge. We can learn at an extraordinary speed and understanding because our vast life experiences have already placed us into this accelerated level.   

Lastly, milk out what we can, wastage to me is a “sin”, use the twins as our compass informing us when we might have to make a detour. We might also need a fair dosage of courage and humility to “own our stuff” when things are not working out. Don’t ask what we are good at, rather ask what we are best for others - there is a correlation  there. The truth is if the twins did not hit me below the belt a few years back, I would not be writing these blogs and my world without you would not be the same. Thank you for enriching my life with your attention, time and encouragement. I hear you so well.  

I simply can’t feel depressed if I don’t feel helpless, in any given situation, as the first and last frontiers of Freedom lie within the chosen thoughts in my own mind - yours truly

Hello there, whoever and wherever you may be - my name is Adrian.

You may (likely) have heard of this faceless entity that is me behind this website and the kick I gave my Aunt Bonnie almost one year ago. I thought I'd interrupt your normally broadcasted reading to interject a bit of who I am as we come up on our one year anniversary of this website.

I like to refer to myself as just another normal guy, married, have a job, pay a mortgage and raise two kids (I should confirm I refer to my pets as my furry kids). But I've come to learn in my (short and admittedly inexperienced life) time that there is no such thing as a "normal life" - it's subjective. I grew up with values of having a good education, doing the right things, find a job, work hard, start a family = life. 

I continued with this narrative until I reached a point of what I thought was my "peak" or my mentally set boundary. From there I found what I wasn't expecting, which was just a sense of emptiness and a feeling of being lost over the years. I had mapped out some realistic life goals, but found when I got there - I literally didn't know what to do anymore.

How is this relevant and why am I telling you this? Because it's linked to the two reasons why I decided to kick this site off for my Aunt - 1) because she's family and I wanted to give her a platform to share her message and 2) because this feeling I had from being lost in the past sent me on a one way flight down to Anxiety Island (which included a free upgrade to Panic Attack Class) - and I wanted to contribute in helping others who may be in (or have been) in a similar place - even if indirectly.

I've been going along on this journey for the last year with my Aunt Bonnie and it's been great to see the responses and support she has had. I still have anxiety, and come to realise that I've always had it, we all have it as humans and it's not something we "suffer from" or need to "cope with" - it's just been there all along and comes and goes as a naturally as emotions like happiness. I told myself I was suffering from anxiety for years, patiently waiting for it to go away. But then I thought, if I kept this never ending story alive that I'm suffering with no end point - that became the reality that I lived with - with no end point.

I had to stop reading this bedtime story to myself, as to be honest, it's a pretty shit story. And that's where I am today, always looking for that new chapter on life experiences, reading that next blog post from my Aunt, and figuring out how all this pieces into my life - to map and take control of my flight. 

Thanks for reading, stay real to yourself, walk your own path.. this is our normal.

Now as I approach the evening of my life, I ask myself what if I could only choose one thing to “own” in my life, what I would like it to be. Without a doubt, the word WORTHINESS pops into mind. I would add that without the acknowledgement of our self worth, we haven’t quite lived our life in the way we have meant to live.

You might wonder why I would even bother to write about it, afterall what is done is done and how we feel about ourselves has been mostly set since childhood. Wrong. Nothing can be further from the truth as it is never too late to “reinvent” yourself, to give yourself a second childhood and to claim your rightful “Self/Identity” back. To me, the words SELF and WORTHINESS are interchangeable. Please refer back to the birth manual you came in with, it stated clearly in bold that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience and we are just temporarily “suffering” from a medical condition called partial amnesia. We have forgotten how to roar like lions but munch crumbs like mice.

This was my first prose written on a miserable winter day in 1983 as I went through an equally miserable period on my own with two little kids while my husband was away working overseas. Looking back it is fair to say I probably would not be in the “ideal” position to embark on any self development journey if I was not that DESPERATE. Desperation worked well in this case as it softened my Ego, that “chatterbox” in my mind had nothing more to say! I had reached rock bottom, what an embarrassing awkward place to be in but it served the purpose as the only way out was “up”.  

I began to crawl my way out and Grace would have me turning my depression into curiosity, I became my own “silent witness”. I observed myself in a semi detached way as if I was viewing someone else. I was shocked but amused, as I watched myself interacting in every different aspect of my life. From my observation, she (my observed object aka me) was rather strange, delightfully “thick” acting out with the same childhood beliefs, attitudes and behaviours that had gotten her into this mess but hoping and waiting for a different outcome!

It was interesting to note that although I was depressed, I could still “think”. The good Doc advised me to take some anti-depressants, I was tempted because it was such an easy option.  But I knew deep down that I could not “medicate” my pain, period.

As I “wandered” along, going two steps forward and one step back, I started to realise that no one except myself could give me that sense of worthiness I needed to heal. In the years that followed, I realised that I felt lonely because I was mourning for my lost self. I traded that in without even knowing anything about it, usually by routes of playing small, being a people pleaser, yes, sometimes even a doormat (only if I felt like it), also being overly accommodating and not knowing how to say “NO”.  This “disconnect” feeling is the missing link and therein lies the re-covery of my WORTHINESS which includes self love, self esteem and self respect.

Once I reclaimed my Self/Worth back, there was no stopping me as I felt good for “being me” for the first time. I felt free, empowered and inspired and walked with a spring in my step. The reunion took place when in meditation one day and with all the compassion and empathy I could muster, I asked myself this question... “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?”. I no longer wanted to live as a quest (false identity) in my own home (soul).  I wept, yes, it was that bad but profound.

“Come alive with your life, you are being evolved. If you are expressed, you can’t be depressed” -  Jean Houston

“Forge, don’t follow, serve where your heart swells” -  Rebecca Campbell

Thank you for reading my blog and you know what, as I am typing this we are in the middle of our winter and I am the most “naked” as I have ever been. After I have reclaimed my worthiness, amazingly now my vulnerability becomes my new cloak of protection, keeping me warm, does that make sense????? I beg you…...

Side note: My webmaster Adrian and I have been terribly busy lately as I might have gotten myself into more than I can chew. In order to walk my talk and not to get ourselves stressed unnecessarily trying to meet the self imposed “deadline”, ( i.e. scheduling the blogs to be posted out on the first of each month) we would now post them at our earliest convenience. I feel that you deserve only the best I can offer and I also do not want to deprive myself that delicious feeling of joining and sharing with you and I function best if I don’t rush myself in a fixed manner. There is really no need, easy does it as the world is stressed enough already.

This real life story happened to me more than four decades ago, but everytime I relived it I felt as if it just took place yesterday. My hubby and I together with our toddler son used to go camping on our farmlet during weekends where we had a small caravan parked onsite. The total package of land was about a hundred acres. On this particular occasion we had invited another family to come along and the idea was that they would also escort us towing the caravan back to civilization.

We were having so much fun flying kites and riding motorbike until it was time to pack up, when my husband realised he had lost his keys - as it could have easily dropped out from his back pocket. We searched for many hours and the task was made more difficult as the grass was knee high in height and was very thick. I wasn’t too concerned until the autumn afternoon turned grey and the air got chilly. It was really a case of searching for a needle amongst a haystack and by then, our friends with their toddler had given up hope searching and were packing up to leave. It occurred to me then our only option was to stay in the “wilderness” overnight and to try our luck the next day.

Then reality hit - I was struck with panic realising that there was a high possibility that this small bunch of keys would never be found. Just visualize a young couple with a baby, no food or warm blankets in store and without the key to start our car. We could not drive away, with or without the caravan. There was absolutely nothing in sight except perhaps a couple of snakes lying around but they were too lazy to help us out by pulling the keys from the thick carpet of grass.

I know panicky people do pray and I was of no exception so I ran into the caravan and uttered “God, please help me”, but not quite trusting that He would deliver a miracle, right there and then! But almost instantly I “heard” a voiceless voice imprinting an idea into my mind.

It said something along the lines of “walk out the caravan door and take nine big steps towards a certain direction”; now if you were standing on a step viewing over 180 degree span of land stretching in front of you, it was impossible to tell which direction you were supposed to take. I don’t remember how I came to any conclusion, your guesses were as good as mine.

By then the clouds had turned grey but suddenly for a split moment, some clouds parted and a single beam of light shone from above (.... be real, pigs don’t fly, right? ...but it is 100% true and I am a very accurate story teller). Even though I did not possess a 20/20 vision, this laser (heavenly) beam managed to pierce through the approaching darkness to catch my eye as the shining surfaces of the silvery keys reflected like little stars dancing on the ground.

Now you remember I shared with you that the hundred acre block was covered with knee-high grass, so you would wonder how I managed to see through the grass to find the keys? As strange as it sounds (and I did not take a drop of alcohol that day), the bunch of keys was now lying on a flat, bald patch of raw ground, not a big one but big enough to accommodate the size of the bunch of keys.  There was no way that the keys could have made such an impression on the ground as they were not heavy enough and there was no tall grass within that small circle-like patch.

Who would love me so much to do all that for me? An Intelligence who knows how to part the clouds, make the ray and cut the grass? 

People after hearing this story would wonder why God would lend a hand here, afterall it was not a life or death situation. But to be honest, an experience like that happening to an immature and easily frightened young mother, somehow it seemed close to that.  

I am not sharing this story because it has a wow factor with a supernatural flavor, that in itself would only serve the purpose of whetting our appetite for curiosity. I think the true meaning behind the story is to re-mind ourselves that God (or Whoever you address as your Highest Help) watches over us 24/7 even if we are not aware of His presence. It is extremely comforting to know that our smallest prayers are being heard. As I shared this “weird” incident with my hubby in the car on our way to the caravan park, his reply was the typical “it was a coincidence” version. That instant we had a puncture but of course my husband was too proud to ask Him for help, he called the RACV Road Assist instead!

Someone once said “Coincidence is the way God chooses to remain anonymous” and I believe that God is the only Being capable of such humbleness. He would gladly lend us a hand but never felt the need to put up his hand to claim the credit.

I often pondered over our resistance to cultivate a relationship with this Higher Intelligence and our obsession to figuring out things by ourselves especially during tough times. It would be like standing in front of a door knocking but never bother to turn the knob to find out that it has never been locked. I think there is always Help available but it is so hard to decipher the “message” with our very noisy minds. 

I derive the most pleasure, comfort, courage and meaning with everything I do ONLY when I am aware of my connection to my Higher Power. I think we are all hard-wired to this Creative Intelligence so when we are plugged into the Source, it really feels like being HOME where we belong. 

Try to cultivate, nourish, and mostly enjoy such relationship, don’t walk this life path alone simply because we are not meant to do this alone. There is no need to struggle through life like an “abandoned child” (or driver), I believe that we were all born into this world with our GPS (God-Proposed-Sign) already installed for guidance and direction, we just need to practise using it.

Right in the midst of the dynamic of life, listen to the voice of inner guidance - Raj

It would be a sad thing if we, in our age of miracles, were to lose our sense of the miraculous. It is surprise, curiosity and love which rejuvenate the mind.  - Harold Nicholson

Be childlike to God but childish to no one and if we can adopt a sense of playfulness and wonder like all children do, we are returning home to our authentic self  - yours truly

Thanks again for reading my story, may you all be blessed with many miracles.