Standing Naked

Now as I approach the evening of my life, I ask myself what if I could only choose one thing to “own” in my life, what I would like it to be. Without a doubt, the word WORTHINESS pops into mind. I would add that without the acknowledgement of our self worth, we haven’t quite lived our life in the way we have meant to live.

You might wonder why I would even bother to write about it, afterall what is done is done and how we feel about ourselves has been mostly set since childhood. Wrong. Nothing can be further from the truth as it is never too late to “reinvent” yourself, to give yourself a second childhood and to claim your rightful “Self/Identity” back. To me, the words SELF and WORTHINESS are interchangeable. Please refer back to the birth manual you came in with, it stated clearly in bold that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience and we are just temporarily “suffering” from a medical condition called partial amnesia. We have forgotten how to roar like lions but munch crumbs like mice.

This was my first prose written on a miserable winter day in 1983 as I went through an equally miserable period on my own with two little kids while my husband was away working overseas. Looking back it is fair to say I probably would not be in the “ideal” position to embark on any self development journey if I was not that DESPERATE. Desperation worked well in this case as it softened my Ego, that “chatterbox” in my mind had nothing more to say! I had reached rock bottom, what an embarrassing awkward place to be in but it served the purpose as the only way out was “up”.  

I began to crawl my way out and Grace would have me turning my depression into curiosity, I became my own “silent witness”. I observed myself in a semi detached way as if I was viewing someone else. I was shocked but amused, as I watched myself interacting in every different aspect of my life. From my observation, she (my observed object aka me) was rather strange, delightfully “thick” acting out with the same childhood beliefs, attitudes and behaviours that had gotten her into this mess but hoping and waiting for a different outcome!

It was interesting to note that although I was depressed, I could still “think”. The good Doc advised me to take some anti-depressants, I was tempted because it was such an easy option.  But I knew deep down that I could not “medicate” my pain, period.

As I “wandered” along, going two steps forward and one step back, I started to realise that no one except myself could give me that sense of worthiness I needed to heal. In the years that followed, I realised that I felt lonely because I was mourning for my lost self. I traded that in without even knowing anything about it, usually by routes of playing small, being a people pleaser, yes, sometimes even a doormat (only if I felt like it), also being overly accommodating and not knowing how to say “NO”.  This “disconnect” feeling is the missing link and therein lies the re-covery of my WORTHINESS which includes self love, self esteem and self respect.

Once I reclaimed my Self/Worth back, there was no stopping me as I felt good for “being me” for the first time. I felt free, empowered and inspired and walked with a spring in my step. The reunion took place when in meditation one day and with all the compassion and empathy I could muster, I asked myself this question... “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?”. I no longer wanted to live as a quest (false identity) in my own home (soul).  I wept, yes, it was that bad but profound.

“Come alive with your life, you are being evolved. If you are expressed, you can’t be depressed” -  Jean Houston

“Forge, don’t follow, serve where your heart swells” -  Rebecca Campbell

Thank you for reading my blog and you know what, as I am typing this we are in the middle of our winter and I am the most “naked” as I have ever been. After I have reclaimed my worthiness, amazingly now my vulnerability becomes my new cloak of protection, keeping me warm, does that make sense????? I beg you…...

Side note: My webmaster Adrian and I have been terribly busy lately as I might have gotten myself into more than I can chew. In order to walk my talk and not to get ourselves stressed unnecessarily trying to meet the self imposed “deadline”, ( i.e. scheduling the blogs to be posted out on the first of each month) we would now post them at our earliest convenience. I feel that you deserve only the best I can offer and I also do not want to deprive myself that delicious feeling of joining and sharing with you and I function best if I don’t rush myself in a fixed manner. There is really no need, easy does it as the world is stressed enough already.